I’m having trouble knowing if I can take all of this. Life is just such a mess of conflicting views, ideas, possibilities, people. And the one person I want can’t be with me. I’m so undone by everything, I can’t even write well. People just seem to go about their lives, walking through, under a hot sun, the day passing steadily, and then the lights go out. And I’m stumbling by, daylight, daytime crumbling like the rest of the world, like my ability to handle it, to stand for it. Everything is a waste of time, my stomach and head feel like engines built for matter in mud. I want to lie down but my head rumbles, aches, and I sleep only to satisfy an ache. I can’t help it, I can’t handle it, I’m alone with my fears and irritations. I leave my band and lose my girl in the same instant, two times running, and again, everything is shown to be impermanent whether by my choosing or that of the world. I want something to be, and to remain being. I have nothing to go on, to build on, to leave or to return home to. My ears and eyes retreat rather than behold yet another sign that life is a troubled ass, waiting to be put down rather than move one more load of bullshit.

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